I grew up in a very conservative religious family where the expectation was that we wouldn’t have sex until we were married. Period. End of story. It just wasn’t going to happen, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. So maybe sex education was considered unnecessary, or perhaps since it was her first experience having to give “The Talk,” my mom just got shy. Either way, I expected to get some kind of education about sex when I turned twelve, which seemed to be the age at which my friends’ parents gave their kids “The Talk.” It never came. That’s not to say that there was never any education attempt done, just that I missed it when it happened.
When I was relatively young (maybe nine or ten, if I had to guess), my mom read me and my younger brother and sister a book. It was some kind of “A Doctor Talks to Kids” book, and I think that was my mom’s version of “The Talk.” It described how animals reproduced, but didn’t really address how humans did it. The way animals did it seemed crude and barbaric to me in my young age, so when my mom asked if we had any questions at the end of the book, I had just one. “So, that’s how animals do it. How do humans do it?”
She hesitated, probably blushed, and said “It’s similar.” That was all that was ever said on the subject, at least to me.
That’s not to say that I didn’t learn about it other ways. When I had questions, I googled it. Of course, I found more porn and how-tos than actual information, but those worked just as well for me. My parents tried to get me to read a book written by a church leader my senior year of high school, but I refused. I figured if they didn’t want to discuss it with me, I already knew enough about sex that I didn’t need the religious version. Essentially, too little, too late.
I suppose I’m one of the lucky ones. I was never educated on contraception or sexually transmitted infections (STIs) until college. But I also never had sex until after college (I left that particular religion after college, too, so sex became “permissible” in my life). I never had problems with pregnancy or disease because of lack of education.
When my mom suspected I was sexually active, she wanted to make sure I didn’t get pregnant before I was ready. I told her that my boyfriend and I currently weren’t doing anything that could get me pregnant, and that when we did, we would take precautions to make sure I didn’t. That was too much information for her about my sex life.
Just last weekend, however, we opened up a little with each other. Although it wasn’t a full disclosure by any stretch of the imagination, on either of our parts, it was definitely a start. It started out very awkwardly, but by the end, we were both feeling a little more comfortable. I wished I had felt comfortable discussing sex when I had really needed information in my younger years.
I am amazed by the controversy about sex education. So much research, as well as common sense, indicates that a comprehensive approach to sex ed is most effective. However, in Utah, where I live (and I know Utah is not unique in this sense), sex education in the schools requires written consent from the parents, and is only allowed to educate about abstinence before marriage and fidelity after marriage to prevent disease and (before marriage) pregnancy.
Granted, I believe that parents, and not schools, should be responsible for the sexual education of their children, but too many are too shy, too closed-minded, or too uneducated about it themselves to do a credible job. And many parents, despite sex ed restrictions, feel that it is the school’s job to educate their children on sex.
Sex is everywhere in our society, but it’s both so stigmatized and so glamorized that it’s easy to be confused. Open conversation is, in my opinion, the only way to teach the next generation about both the beauty and the consequences of sexual activity. I suspect too many people have experiences just like mine (or worse! – at least my mom read that book to us, and offered a second book), and a lack of information is probably more harmful than any discomfort or awkwardness the subject causes.
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