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Having said good bye to all my friends as Sex 2.0, I headed to my car for the long drive north. It was Mother’s Day weekend and I wanted to be home with my children when they woke up that next morning as I have always been these past years. I would have hours on that drive home to think and process all I had learned that day at Sex 2.0 and all of the people I had met. By the time I arrived home it was late and I was totally worn out. I found my son still awake and in the kitchen as I walked in, so we spent time chatting and catching up on his weekend. Lugging my stuff into my bedroom I reflected on how different my life was now than just a short year ago. So many things had changed for me and one of them was the way I viewed my relationship with my children. I was now the mom who handed her son the NYC condoms and lectured him on the importance of safe sex. It was the sound of my phone ringing a few hours later that woke me up. Upon answering it I heard those dreaded words “Mom, you need to come outside.” “What? I’m sleeping” I replied. I told him I would talk to him tomorrow. But the next reply scared me even more. “Mom, you HAVE to come out here.” Out of bed I climbed and made my way outside to find my two sons sitting together. Confusion started to set in. They were both alive, sober (or semi-sober) and I didn’t see the police anywhere around. As I sat down the older one looked at me and said “Eric has something he needs to tell you.” If you are a parent you know how these are the last words you ever want to hear, especially in the middle of the night from one of your children. I turned to Eric and encouraged him to talk to me. Looking me in the eye he said “Mom, I’m bisexual.” Huh? Is that all, I thought to myself. Then I looked at this child of mine. This child who has been struggling to come to terms with his sexuality. I thought back on the past year or so of his life and the signs of his struggle and unhappiness. I looked at this child who was now opening up to me finally and looking for my acceptance. It was then I thought of all the people I now have in my life. I thought of the ones who have struggled for acceptance from their families and at that moment I could not for the life of me understand how their parents could not accept both them and their lives. I looked at my son with happiness and love and said “I will love you no matter what,” and “I don’t care if you like boys, girls or pineapples; it will never change who you are,” and “These are your life choices and I will support you in them no matter what,” and “All I want for you is happiness and a clean room.” As I sat with my two children in the late night cool air talking about all of this I thought to myself if only they knew where I had just spent my weekend. See, my children are still not fully aware of the life I lead now but that night they fully benefited from it. We talked about being bisexual and the thoughts people have about it. The old question of whether men are really bisexual or just one step away from gay. None of this conversation surprised me. Thinking back I always “knew” this about him. When the conversation turned to telling his Dad it was no surprise to me when he said he would not tell him and did not want me to either. Growing up with a conservative Republican Dad has made if difficult for him to be himself around him. As the night air grew cooler I bugged my two sons to move inside to finish our talk. It was now very late, cold and I was exhausted. As we all curled up on the sofas together, the conversation moved to the condoms I had given them. One son complained that they were too small. At that point as I tried to stay awake the conversation moved between my two sons and why one could fit into these condoms and one could not. I started to hear numbers with the word “inches” after it and wondered how did I end up in the middle of this. How did I end up late at night with my two children cuddled on the sofa while they discussed the size of their respective manhoods? Who was I now? And then it came to me. I was a mom and I was Diva. I had learned so much in the last year and I was now sharing that with my children. This new person I had become with all the knowledge and understanding that they needed at this point in their lives. I looked at them and thought back to all the years we had these moments together alone. I thought about the difficult changes they were going through in this family now and how much I had worried about them because of it. And then I saw our future together. A future of us together late at night discussing sexuality, condoms and penis size along with their need to clean their rooms. Happiness surrounded me at that moment with the love I had for my children. I turned to my son who had chosen that night to come out to me and said with humor in my voice, “You know some children give their mothers flowers for Mother’s Day,” thinking about how ironic it was that Diva’s son would come out on Mother’s Day. My children have benefited from my online life and friendships. The next day I was able to share this with my friends and look to them for help. I asked them for books, resources and support groups for my son as he worked through accepting this about himself. Mother’s Day has become even more special for me now. Since I’ve begun reading BBB, my mind has begun wondering about what I’ve grown up with and my experiences with “sex ed”. I realized, at my young age, I can’t quite remember one defining moment with my parents. More importantly, what I’ve come away with are examples. Role models that have instilled in my the knowledge to not only approach sex intelligently but my entire life that way. My mother was born and raised in the South in the 1950’s and 60s. My father was born in a family of ten in Palestine in the 1940’s and 50s. (We won’t get into politics at the moment.) Although they grew up in opposite ends of the world, they were raised in similar households. Fairly Christian, fairly conservative, you mostly get married and have kids at a young age. Your life should be your family, and your family is your life. And yet, my mother and father created a different road for themselves. Both the oldest children of their family, they created a life of their own first. The free spirited nature of the 1960s and 70s definitely rubbed off on my mother, and she spent a good amount of time living in different cities around the south with her best girlfriend and gay guy friend. My father used education as an escape from the realities of the traditional Arab life. My father and mother were 42 and 32 respectively before they married or had children. They have never ever pressured my two brother or I about dating or marriage, even as we reached the “prime” marrying age around our neck of the woods. I look at both sides of our family, and our parents have silently (and vocally, at times) instilled values in my brothers and I based upon the “Learn from the mistakes of the people that surround you to avoid making the same mistakes.” As I’m growing up, maturing, dealing with being an ‘adult’, and being separated from my family, I appreciate what examples my parents have set for me. The focus on living your life in an intelligent manner has set the tone for my lifestyle. No matter what I do, I try to keep sane. If the time comes for me to have a family, I will be more physically vocal about safe sex and education of our bodies. But I will always keep in mind the one thing my mother said recently when talking to myself and a friend of mine who was a teenage mother (and has done extremely well for herself) – “I don’t care if you’re having sex, just make sure you’re having safe sex!” So, thank you mom and dad. Dad, for your strong, silent personality that kept me in line (almost out of fear) and mom for the cool, hippie spirit that comes through your motherly love and overprotection. You’ve taught me well and I will always value that. My seventeen year old had her first sex with a male while she was camping. No, I am not going to tell her story, as it’s not mine to tell. But I am going to give a few reasons why talking about sex with your kids is necessary and important. And I am going to pat myself on the back again for being a good mom. Reason #1: She has been on birth control for a few years. Her choice. Because she talked to me about a boyfriend she had at the time, and if she wanted to go that far, she wanted the option to say yes. And she asked to be put on birth control, just in case. So we talked about birth control options and she chose what she thought would be best for her. It has worked so far. Reason #2: She was able to have sex with someone she considers a friend (what I think of him doesn’t matter). And with someone who was able to make it memorable – even if it wasn’t all she thought it was going to be. And she was able to do this without fear from her parents. And she was able to tell her parents about her decision without fear about what they would think or do. And she was able to talk about what was good and bad and what she can/will do to make it better next time – whenever that happens. Reason #3: She insisted on using a condom – every time she had sex while camping (three nights). Her chosen partner tried to convince her that they didn’t have to – for reasons I will not go into here – it is her story. She insisted on the condom. She didn’t want to take the chance of getting pregnant and ruining her plans for her immediate future. He complied and everything continued to be fine. I have to admit, I was worried about how she would handle this camping trip. It was full of firsts for her – she has never camped before, never had s’mores before, and never had penis-in-vagina sex before. I wasn’t sure she would even think about the convos we had had about the importance of protection. She doesn’t always think ahead, you know. If I hadn’t insisted she listen every time I talked about sex, would she have been this responsible? If I hadn’t been so open about sex and birth control and STD’s, would she have insisted a condom be used? Would she have thought it through and chose someone who she was absolutely comfortable with? Would she have made sure she was in a safe environment? I don’t know. But I’m so glad I have the conversations I do with my children. This is just one more thing that proves I am doing the right thing by talking to them. By answering every single question they have. Talk to your kids. It’s important. They really listen, even when they act like they don’t want to hear what you are saying. |
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