My parents divorced when I was 12, but apparently their sex life didn’t get the memo. I believe I was about 14, and old enough to understand these matters, when I busted my dad sneaking out of mom’s room (and the house). He claimed he was there to change the furnace filter – which did nothing to explain why he was standing in mom’s kitchen in his underwear. Clearly busted, he turned three shades of red and left.
Mom was rather flustered as well, and mentioned something about Dad checking a mole on her back. In wise-ass teenager mode, I asked, laughing, “Does changing furnace filters and checking moles involve love bites on your neck?” Busted AGAIN! With no clear way out, Mom fessed up that their marriage didn’t work but the passion always did. In a way, it was reassuring to me that they still had that level of love for one another even if they couldn’t live together. I charitably avoided discussing it with either of them further.
21 years after divorcing, they remarried and stayed that way until my father died. It was by no means a fairy tale, but there are plenty of fond memories.
I need to call mom and tease her about that. I’m long overdue for getting her all frazzled. :p
I grew up in a home that sexuality was often on the far ends of the scales. It was nothing for my Mom to walk around nude. And for my parents to very affectionate in front of us kids – kissing and groping in the kitchen wasn’t uncommon. I of course giggled at it as a little girl. But growing up I now appreciate that they could be so open with their affection and sexual attraction in front of us.
But at the same time we were told that sex wasn’t something we needed to know about until we were grown up. And they really didn’t want to talk about it.
I am not sure when it happened but eventually I figured it out that my Mom and Dad had to get married because they got pregnant with me. And as soon as I became aware the lectures came to not do the same thing. I heard all about the things my Mom and Dad had to give up because they had sex. But still it wasn’t talked about what sex was or how it worked. And it did create a message for me that sex was bad – forbidden because it made you give up things that sounded like they were better and good.
All the while though still my parents still were very open with their affection for each other so it made me want to have that but just not tell them. So I learned about sex on my own, from girly magazines my Dad had stuffed in the back of his closet and from friends.
My mum always made her sex-positivity clear. There were not many actual discussions just small gestures and disclosures.
I remember when I got my first period and my mum was so exited and congratulated me and all I wanted was a pad and to get on with my day because thanks to her I knew periods weren’t a big deal. She then shared with me her first period story where as a child she went to the bathroom discovered blood and believed she was going to bleed to death. She told her mum who said nothing more than that it would happen every month. My mum was certain that she was dreadfully sick, going to die and that her mother didn’t care.
My mum never hid her feminism. She wore it proudly and she always told me that the birth control pill was the best thing to ever happen to women. Through this comment I knew that sex for pleasure was ok, that multiple partners were ok but that it was essential to make responsible decisions.
The laundry was a place where I was allowed to see her sexuality and her acceptance of mine. Sheer lacy underwear belonging to my mum hung proudly on the line and when I added my own fancy knickers to the laundry she just mentioned how cute or pretty they were. She was always very strict relating to privacy, that she and my father had a right to it and that my brother and I would also have our privacy respected at all times.
The sweetest lesson though was the accidental. Walking around the house you ran a risk of catching my parents making out in the hall, always leading to me slinking away as I didn’t want to disturb them. It taught me that beyond supporting my brother and I they supported each other with love and affection. They taught me what a healthy relationship could look like.
There were a few big conversations such as the abortion talk (pro-choice all the way) and when I had to tell them I was working in porn but they can wait for other postings.
–Submitted by Cate
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