But swinging is no more for everyone than is monogamy. It takes a very special couple to open up their relationship long-term (not for a few weeks or months, mind you). I’d not want to push anyone into it or even suggest that it’s the best way to manage a relationship.

I wonder what about having sex before marriage you find to be “disrespectful” toward your body? I imagine you are a person who would, when the time comes, have safe sex with someone you care about—so how is that disrespectful of your body if it comes before vs. after marriage?

You also said you wish to save sex for just you and your husband. What about sexuality makes you feel it is something to only share with just the person you marry, or what is your goal in only sharing it with your husband?

To be as honest as possible, I ask these particular questions because I see these reasons given by the religious right quite a bit, and I don’t believe they hold up. I can see many solid reasons for waiting (not the right person, not comfortable with a given act yet, just don’t feel like it, etc) . . . but as for the reasons you gave, I don’t know how well the logic bears out.

Life is short, have fun, get laid

It’s easy to think that one’s take is the “right” one on any particular subject…this post left me struck with the same feeling I had when I watched “Mona Lisa Smile” with my niece a few years back – namely, that just because we have the right (or implied social permission, if that sounds better) to do something, it doesn’t mean that we HAVE to. Sometimes it’s liberating enough just knowing that we COULD, but CHOOSE not to.

I hope your marriage, and your marriage bed, are wonderful and fulfilling.

But I respectfully disagree with it — as others have and will disagree with any one you make about something as important as this.

When I was first married I had slept with one woman, my then wife. We divorced and I am now married to a woman who hadn’t had sex with anyone before she was first married.

Wisdom may or may not come with age, but we both regret not having experimented as much as possible sexually before first marrying. I have come to believe that adolescents should be offered a choice of having as much sex as they can safely and lovingly handle — I guess a pretty radical view I have to admit.

For example, surely teaching the joys of masturbation would be as safe and self-loving as I can imagine — not a requirement, but encouragement. And yes, I’m radical enough to say that *any* prohibitions against it might be mentioned, but not given any credence whatever. I think the ending of giving any credible reason for abstaining from masturbation is one of the great accomplishments of the boomer generation.

So, yes, good luck on your journey. May it be as a happy a one as it can be.

We also have 3 children, all girls, with the eldest one nearly 18 and I do not think it is likely any one of them will wait but I am definitely not concerned as they have always made thoughtful choices so far.

So why am I in vehement support? Because its well written and just plain shrieks of honesty and sincerity.

The pulling out of sentences and dissecting them will always yield results that vary from the intent of the author. Sometimes by just a little and sometimes by a lot but the overall post for me is thoughtful and respectful and also provides a good counterpoint to some of my own opinions.

I especially liked the subtle way that the author indicated that she believes her choices now show respect and love not only for herself and her current partner but also her partner in the future.

Well thought out and good luck with your journey

Also, would virginity be an important criterion for you when deciding who you want to marry? I.e. are you expecting your future husband to save sex for marriage as well? And conversely, would you expect that your future husband would place a high priority on your being a virgin? I guess I’m curious to what extent your belief in abstinence until marriage is a decision about yourself personally or about yourself as part of a couple, if that makes any sense. And I guess my first question kind of ties into that as well- is this about your love for your unknown future husband or is it about personal virtue? I’m not trying to condemn it either way, I’m just curious what is driving your decision.

Not to be nosy, but you say that you explore “options other than sex.” I think that different people’s different definitions of sex complicate this a lot. E.g. I have a friend who considered herself abstinent until marriage, but she’d had oral sex with a previous boyfriend. To me, oral sex is sex. And so is anal sex, and so is mutual masturbation. I don’t know of any good arguments for classifying those as somehow less than “real” sex, unless you’re specifically talking about reproduction. If you’re talking about closeness to your partner (or about potential for disease transmission), all those should be counted as sex, in my opinion.

“…but I want to make sure that they understand that all the choices are equally valid. I can only hope that others will do the same.”

See, this is the part that brings me up short. If you had said “…because I believe you should wait for marriage” or some variation of “personal choice, different strokes for different folks,” I would be saying some variation of “Good for you for knowing what you want, sing it sister, etc.”

Why? Because if you say “I believe that you should wait for marriage,” the obvious implication is that people who have sex before marriage DO NOT hold this belief. That’s cool.

If you say that you aren’t having sex because YOU respect your body, the obvious implication is that people who ARE having sex DON’T respect their body. That’s not cool.

I would actually be more okay with you making that statement (I wouldn’t agree with it, but hey) right up until you said that you want everybody to believe that all the choices are equally valid.

You have attached statements with value judgments to your personal choice.

If you sincerely believe that all choices are equally valid, then you need to work on your choice of words when you present that belief, because this post fell short of the mark. You need to use language that is respectful of others.

Instead of “because I respect my body,” try “because TO ME, respecting my body means not having intercourse.”

I don’t want to be misunderstoond, here. I don’t want you to think I’m attacking or disrespecting your choice. I’m not. What I object to is your use of loaded language while asking for people to believe that all choices are equally valid. What I hope is that, going forward, you will choose language that is more respectful of all choices.

Thank you for commenting here!

You say that, granted that both of you will be able to talk openly about sex, you will be able to solve all your sex problems. Well, it may not be always true, but I agree that it is a good bet. I am also pleased that you masturbate, I find it more respectful to know yourself than to go for sex without a clue of what you like or not.

I see that you can make exceptions to your choice. You value sex enough to wait until being with the right person. That is something to be proud. However, waiting until marriage is having a bet that you can lose, because marriage is irreversible. If I were you, I’d have sex before marriage just to be sure :). Or maybe you consider divorce acceptable under circumstances not as grave as those required by the Orthodox Church. In that case, nothing to say.

Finally, I must say that your sex-education plans are unbeatable!